50 Things to Stop saying if you want to Grow the F*ck-Up: #2 - FOMO

It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't picture a weekend without a gin & tonic, a pair of practical heels and a dance party that lasted till the lights came on. Now, the thought of that sends me on a spiral of self-hatred and childish whining that makes me want to crawl into bed without supper. So what changed?

It's not that I burnt out on fun, or that my back hurts too much to dance the night away, and it's certainly not that I've processed the nuanced relationship women of a certain age and stage have with alcohol. But rather the need to escape reality just - went away. I remember it like it was three years ago... A friend called at ten p.m. on a Friday night, he was headed to the Dakota - a lovely basement bar that I've had many a fine evening at - and I just thought to myself, "Ugh, really. I don't want to have that night again." 

The images flashed before my eyes: a smokey eye and my trusty black jeans, all the ambition in the world to take the TTC to the location, meeting your friends, shouting to catch up, drinking the aforementioned G&T's knowing that gin now makes me sad the next day, hitting a point where your friends are drunk enough to dance but your tolerance is so high you need another round, loonies parting from my change towards a bartender that's already moved on to the next customer, realizing your night has flown by in a flurry of butt-shaking, booze-guzzling and three a.m. diner-fries.

And when I wake up in the morning I wonder if the sadness is because I didn't meet the love of my life or if it's because I spent fifty of my hard earned dollars on GIN - which I know makes me feel sad.

Transfer that story to a TIFF party, Pride, a concert - you name it - I can talk myself out of it. And it's not because I don't like FUN! Jeeze, guys - I said that already. It's because repeating experiences are no longer fun. It's because I want new things to come into my life. I don't have a fear of missing out because I know I'm not missing anything and I will be missing something if I don't stay home and finish a draft of my new sample. Trust - the party that we throw when that baby gets greenlit are going to blow any old night at the Dakota out of the water.

Gillian MullerComment