The Year of the Fire Horse

TW: Below are frank conversations about toxic family systems, including what it means to be pulled into the sheer hell that is caregiving. Not to be confused with the love and respect I have for family or the person, my father, whom I care for. If you’re easily hurt by nuanced memoir, steer clear of ME> full stop.

Beige Gardens opens its doors to a documentary crew.

Metaphorically. In real life, I would never let a film crew into my house, no matter how much I'd love having a property brother fix my hundred-year-old plumbing in a week. I mean - I would like to spill the beans about how the other half live.

So you found yourself forced into the role of a caregiver. I know that means if you’re doing it for a parent or sibling. Anyone else is someone you chose, and if you’re caring for a partner or child or friend - you have other things to take to your therapist. For us, the ones put into this position by a person we had no power in choosing ( the ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ theory ) we are working so someone else doesn’t have to.

Vibe Check: The first person who dipped on taking care of my dad was my mom, who died 20 years ago. So, we angry at her too. Grief comes up a lot, and that makes it all hurt twice as much. I am not afraid of sad, which stems some of the angst, but I’m not the only person in this situation.

The second person who dipped was his own siblings, then my sibling: Stating that my lack of business due to ignoring the marital tradition & child-production life for gig-style show biz employment. Without understanding the financial status that goes along with an artist’s life, as well as their general misunderstanding of anyone’s life other than their own heternormativity. The people I should be sharing this work with have left me to do it solo, and they carry on living irresponsibly for me or my father’s life.

I don’t care if you love it or hate it. If it’s your pleasure to take care of them, or if you just tryin’ to keep your head above water and failing. Caregiving is a lifestyle that a lot of folks fall into, agree to in the moment and then it all changes, and it’s not the best way of taking care of each other.

I know it’s not my job to fix it - I have tried and will still show up for change with the change makers - they are taking their time, because they are not living in it. So I’m shouting into the void for any other caregiver out there who just needs to know that this system isn’t broken; it was built this way, on the framework of the patriarchy. It’s 2026, we can’t pretend we don’t see the matrix.

And it starts inside our own homes. When the family system fails, the community system fails. And while my own family uses neglect as their way of supporting us, they are typical of the time and will learn their own lessons at their own pace.

The reason why The Fire Horse is gonna burn broken family systems down? Neglecting the Elders is a karmic practice for them; shadow work for me. Pretending there’s no smoke, no fire, is how you lose it all.